Monday, July 6, 2009

My awkward life.

As if I hadn't experienced enough already to write a novel on awkward moments, this past weekend was a gem. Because I am a creep, and an asshole I constantly set myself up for uncomfortable situations.

Saturday Morning
I was driving around my hometown with the windows down, taking in the salt. Sometimes it's nice to drive with no sound but the window breaking the flow of air. I pull up to a red light and the heat quickly catches up with me, then my phone rings. I look to the screen to see the name 'Kelly Blansett', someone I hadn't seen since high school. With an overacted look of disgust on my face I yell, "ew, ugly bitch" and throw my phone into the passenger seat. Over the near silence of stagnant wind I begin to hear a light whimper. I slowly turn to my left to see a girl crying in a Honda...with a phone to her ear...its Kelly. "I was just kidding Kelly," I yell to her. "I saw you coming up behind me I knew you were there, don't cry." The light turns green and she peels away, I yell once more and wave as I take a right onto Broward Blvd. It only took a few moments for the guilt to wash away.

Saturday Night
I had cybersex.

Early Sunday Morning
I flirted with a 16 year old on Twitter. At the time, I was unaware of her age. Did I feel

Sunday Afternoon
I was at a friend's BBQ, eating leftover ribs from the 4th. This is where I finally meet the parents of my good friend Karsten and I remember how he told me his mother was a dairy farmer her whole life, or until she met his father. "So Karsten told me you were a dairy farmer for a while eh?" I asked. She confirmed and noted how strong her hands were from years of milking. Without thinking I erupted with..."Wow I can only imagine the hand jobs!" Silence came over the party, you would have thought a child was drowning, every conversation stopped and the collection of gasps could have rid this planet of air. In attempt to lighten the situation, I elbow his father, "come on, you know what I'm saying right?" No reply. Like a raccoon backed into a corner I decided to explode and run away. "Fuck you all!" I exclaimed as I chugged my remaining Natty and exited the scene. I later fantasized to the varying best possible scenarios that could have stemmed from this, for example, a demonstration. 

I am dark, I am twisted, I know this.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

At 16, I was a bitch.

When I was 16 years old I had a romantic relationship with a 33 year old single mom, she later raped me but that's not the point of this post. I found this country song I wrote for her while I was waiting for her to work on my knee. You see she was a physical therapist and I was a football player, it's a good ol' American love story.

When I sang it to her she slapped me, and I cried with her, but neither of us understood what we ere crying over so she slapped me again. I cried harder because this time I knew why I was crying, the second slap had hurt much worse than the first one. Anyway, here is the country song.

I wish I could compose like you.
Every breath is a symphony.
Every breath you give to me.
I wish I could breathe like you.

Every blink I long for you.
Hoping you'll reopen soon.
Life's so dark without your eyes
Flooding my existence with light.

Every time you laugh
You add a year to my life.

Every time you smile
You add a year to my life.

Every time you speak my name
You add a year to my life.

I can't wait to die old with you
At the age of 6005.

The End

Notables 6/27/09

This works better if you read with a South Jersey accent.

11:30 AM
I wake up in my sheetless bed to the sound of thunder, quickly spring to my feet and leap to the pantry for a spoonful of Nutella. I wash it down with the harsh agitation of warm seltzer water. I am ready for the day.

12:00 PM
I stand in the open window in my underwear, pretending to mess with the blinds, waiting for some passing motorist to gaze upon my bulge. If I am lucky, they will crash into the light post, knocking it down so it will no longer shine in my face at night. Fucking light posts.

2:30 PM
After a quick nap, I drive around the walking lake in my Beemer, windows down, moonroof open and blasting some dancey indie music like Empire of The Sun or Hot Chip. This is the lake where all the sexy ladies get their exercise, only today it was full of men, families, and a few women. These women were walking for a reason, know what I'm saying? I peeled off path in anger, time for my Chai.

3:12 PM
While driving in my cool glasses I notice myself in the mirror. Every day I can count new grey hairs on my head and the first thought that comes to mind is, "Damn you get better looking by the day."

5:59 PM
Feeling down after some girl said no to me, I asked her if she wanted to smoke the hookah. I spot a mom and daughter holding hands and I smile, it lifts my spirits. Soon after a Ford Focus drives by with loud exhaust and a spoiler, this instantly reinstalls my hatred for human life. I hurry and pull the mother's hand away from her daughter, give her a pouty lip and run off.

7:01 PM
I realize at this moment how cute those fake girl laughs are at the end of porno's.

10:03 PM
 I contemplate the easiest way to get rid of my cats, oddly enough, dropping them out the window isn't one of them. Can't remember where I left the Beemer but it doesn't bother me.