Monday, July 6, 2009

My awkward life.

As if I hadn't experienced enough already to write a novel on awkward moments, this past weekend was a gem. Because I am a creep, and an asshole I constantly set myself up for uncomfortable situations.

Saturday Morning
I was driving around my hometown with the windows down, taking in the salt. Sometimes it's nice to drive with no sound but the window breaking the flow of air. I pull up to a red light and the heat quickly catches up with me, then my phone rings. I look to the screen to see the name 'Kelly Blansett', someone I hadn't seen since high school. With an overacted look of disgust on my face I yell, "ew, ugly bitch" and throw my phone into the passenger seat. Over the near silence of stagnant wind I begin to hear a light whimper. I slowly turn to my left to see a girl crying in a Honda...with a phone to her ear...its Kelly. "I was just kidding Kelly," I yell to her. "I saw you coming up behind me I knew you were there, don't cry." The light turns green and she peels away, I yell once more and wave as I take a right onto Broward Blvd. It only took a few moments for the guilt to wash away.

Saturday Night
I had cybersex.

Early Sunday Morning
I flirted with a 16 year old on Twitter. At the time, I was unaware of her age. Did I feel

Sunday Afternoon
I was at a friend's BBQ, eating leftover ribs from the 4th. This is where I finally meet the parents of my good friend Karsten and I remember how he told me his mother was a dairy farmer her whole life, or until she met his father. "So Karsten told me you were a dairy farmer for a while eh?" I asked. She confirmed and noted how strong her hands were from years of milking. Without thinking I erupted with..."Wow I can only imagine the hand jobs!" Silence came over the party, you would have thought a child was drowning, every conversation stopped and the collection of gasps could have rid this planet of air. In attempt to lighten the situation, I elbow his father, "come on, you know what I'm saying right?" No reply. Like a raccoon backed into a corner I decided to explode and run away. "Fuck you all!" I exclaimed as I chugged my remaining Natty and exited the scene. I later fantasized to the varying best possible scenarios that could have stemmed from this, for example, a demonstration. 

I am dark, I am twisted, I know this.