This works better if you read with a South Jersey accent.
I wake up in my sheetless bed to the sound of thunder, quickly spring to my feet and leap to the pantry for a spoonful of Nutella. I wash it down with the harsh agitation of warm seltzer water. I am ready for the day.
I stand in the open window in my underwear, pretending to mess with the blinds, waiting for some passing motorist to gaze upon my bulge. If I am lucky, they will crash into the light post, knocking it down so it will no longer shine in my face at night. Fucking light posts.
After a quick nap, I drive around the walking lake in my Beemer, windows down, moonroof open and blasting some dancey indie music like Empire of The Sun or Hot Chip. This is the lake where all the sexy ladies get their exercise, only today it was full of men, families, and a few women. These women were walking for a reason, know what I'm saying? I peeled off path in anger, time for my Chai.
While driving in my cool glasses I notice myself in the mirror. Every day I can count new grey hairs on my head and the first thought that comes to mind is, "Damn you get better looking by the day."
Feeling down after some girl said no to me, I asked her if she wanted to smoke the hookah. I spot a mom and daughter holding hands and I smile, it lifts my spirits. Soon after a Ford Focus drives by with loud exhaust and a spoiler, this instantly reinstalls my hatred for human life. I hurry and pull the mother's hand away from her daughter, give her a pouty lip and run off.
I realize at this moment how cute those fake girl laughs are at the end of porno's.
I contemplate the easiest way to get rid of my cats, oddly enough, dropping them out the window isn't one of them. Can't remember where I left the Beemer but it doesn't bother me.